


Gregory Holmes And The Time It Wasn't Lupus

by ConsiderableColors



Series: CRACK [9]
Category: House M.D.
Genre: Crack, Cussing, F/M, Gen, I'm on like season three right now so forgive me if this is inaccurate, Mentions of Sex, Mentions of dead poets society, So nothing too new, Warnings for House being a dick, but I think I did a pretty good job, innuendos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-22 21:45:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17670686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConsiderableColors/pseuds/ConsiderableColors
Summary: "I have a problem," House whined.Wilson shrugged. "Die mad about it.""I'm serious! It's morally complex and I already know what I'm going to do, but you're going to ride my ass if I don't talk to you first." He took Pill.Aka, an episode of House M.D. in a nutshell.





	Gregory Holmes And The Time It Wasn't Lupus

It had started out like any other day. A man and woman were hanging out. They were in love, you could tell because the man said "baby" once. They were trying to have sex, and the woman was complaining because she had a headache. THEN, HOHMYGERD WHAT A TWIST: the m a n fainted instead!! Woahhhhhh! wAcKy!!

Dr. House limped through the hospital, a general look of discontentment on his face, taking a Vicidon. He entered the urinals, since his office was empty. Dr. Chase and Dr. Foreman were already inside, having a non-metaphorical pissing contest. Dr. Cameron was in the doorway, a look in her eyes that clearly displayed how much she regretted her career choices.

"Alrighty bitches!" House shouted, summoning a marker and dry erase board out of nowhere. "So two people were cooking the turkey and forgot about the mashed potatoes. The man passed out, then he woke up. We thought it was fine to release him but then he seized so that plan's fucked ig. I'm pretty sure I know what it is but you guys gotta get screentime at some point so go nuts." He took a pill.

"What if it's a somewhat-neurology-related and complex thing," suggested Foreman.

"No," Cameron said, "It has to be an easily-curable illness that doesn't really fit any of his symptoms."

"I think-"

Cameron, Foreman, and House all bitch-slapped Chase. "YOU DON'T GET TO DO ANYTHING BUT CRACK JOKES AND GIVE PATIENTS THE SMOLDER UNTIL HALF WAY THROUGH THE EPISODE." Chase frowned but he's rich so nobody cared.

"Run a shit ton of broad tests and see if that helps," House declared. "Oh and do an MRI." He took a pill.

"We can't! The patient-"

"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I GIVE TWO THIRDS OF AN ELEPHANT'S ASS?! Now go, I have to go come onto Cuddy." He took a pill.

Dr. Cuddy was in her office, looking through some very important papers. There was a giant rattle on her desk, signifying she wanted a child. 

"It sure is cold in here!" House looked directly at Cuddy's nipples as he spoke. Oh and he took a pill.

"What do you want?"

"I need to do a really dangerous and unnecessary test." P i l l.

"Why," asked Cuddy.

"I'm bored." Pillsss.

"No."

"I hope someone chokes on your dick," House growled, taking a pill.

"Sorry," Cuddy smirked, "I prefer to give, not receive."

No way in hell was House gonna top that so he limped away. House barged into the room of Dr. James Wilson (the light of my life). Wilson was eating food, but House stole it. He took a bite, then spit it out, directly onto all nineteen of Wilson's marriage certificates. He also took a pill.

"I have a problem," House whined.

Wilson shrugged. "Die mad about it." 

"I'm serious! It's morally complex and I already know what I'm going to do, but you're going to ride my ass if I don't talk to you first." He took Pill.

"You want my advice?"

For once, House nodded, while taking a pill.

"Well," Wilson began. THEN OUT OF NOWHERE THE PATIENT GAINED SOME WEIRD, COMPLETELY UNRELATED SYMPTOM, AND HOUSE HAD TO Y E E T HIS WAY OUTTA THERE.

Commercial break: have any of y'all seen dead poets society because holy shit I love that movie with my whole gay heart. I'm mentioning it because Wilson's actor plays one of the main characters in the movie so yeah. I really wish there were more crossover fics, I low key wanna write one but I have no ideas so sucks to be me IG. I just wanted to make you guys cringe with the mid fic author's note, we can go back now. 

Have we talked to the patient yet? Fuck I think I forgot to do that OKAY SO. The man keeps talking about how much he loves the woman and Cameron's like "awww" but House is like "ChEaTiNgHeScHeAtInG". The woman flirts with Chase, he's kinda uncomfortable but oh well. Foreman's skeptical of the patient but he'll repress his emotions until the day he dies. 

House doesn't really want to talk to the man, but his team is doing a shitty job in his opinion so he goes. When he gets to the room he breathes a sigh of relief because THANK GOD the man is a minority group so he'll be easy to insult. House is already brainstorming pun-filled names. House insults them, and when the man flips him off House notices his middle finge is actually indigo which isn't usually good. He takes a pill before journeying on.

Two members of House's team discuss something personal, you're kinda curious about it but they won't bring it up until like 20 episodes later so I wouldn't hold your breath.

House figures out the illness and starts the man on a treatment involving lots of drugs. About halfway through the man's lobotomy, House is like SHIT we didn't break into the house! I'm crippled and taking a pill so I can't do it! So Foreman and Chase go to do that. In the meantime, Cameron is comforting the sobbing woman.

So they're at the house and they find a wild ocelot roaming around the house, high on some sort of marijuana. They call House and House is like "capture it for science," while taking a pill. Chase has a crisis of faith and Foreman considers quitting or arresting House. They bring back the ocelot and House is like ooooohhhhh it's actually this thing that there's only three other people in the world who have it.

Cameron freaks out because her husband actually loved ocelots and House is like "why are you freaking out" (while popping a pill) and Cameron recites Pirates Of Penzance until House leaves.

The man almost dies, House leaves everyone else to take care of it while he plays dominoes in his office and takes a pill.

The man ends up cured. A slow, indie-country hybrid song begins to play over a montage. During the montage, Cuddy sifts through papers quietly. Wilson walks into a room, looks around, sighs, then walks out. Either Cameron, Foreman, or Chase go home and think about their family. House sits at his piano, chugs a bottle of pills, and begins to play. 

The episode ends.

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is considerablecolors if you'd like to stop by!


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